I've always been a bit nervous about being fertile. I've watched how one of my sister's has struggled with this for numerous years, so the longer we kept pushing off kids, the more sub-consciously worried I was.
Our "baby plan" was to start trying after I get back from my half marathon next month. I've also got an upcoming ultra-sound on my breasts from a few lumps they noticed six months ago, so the plan was to wait until I got the 'all clear' from that exam to go forward with creating a little family.
My problem...our problem...with all of that is that we're constantly putting something else in front of starting a family. After this happens, after we save up this amount of money, after we get our house fixed up, etc, etc...
They say it can take up to a year to get pregnant. After I injured my leg serious enough that there's no way I can competitively run in my race, and after I read some more on what chemo does to your body, we threw caution into the wind and just decided to stop NOT trying to have kids. Let whatever happens, happen ... and we'll deal with life from there. We both want children...we're both ready for them. So we decided to put that #1 and let the rest work itself out.
But I certainly did not expect to miss my period the very first month. I was supposed to start on Monday. I'm actually usually pretty regular, so on Thursday, I went to the store to buy a pregnancy test. Which was an entire fiasco in and of itself...
I have no clue why as a married 28 year old woman, I felt silly buying a pregnancy test, but I did. I don't know if I'll ever 'out grow' some things. As I was standing in line, trying really hard to conceal this huge box that is very clearly a pregnancy test box, I started flipping through the Chap Stick boxes. I don't need any more Chap Stick, but I needed something to fidgit with. On sale, 2 for $3, yes I think I'll take two.
Whew, so it's FINALLY my turn in line, so I put my pregnancy test box with my two things of chap stick on the one side of the counter and quickly moved over to the other side so that I could swipe my card and get out of there asap.
Oh no...that's not how it was going to happen. Of course not...
The lady behind the register picks up the box, looks at it, looks at me, scans it, and sets it right on the counter top (um, HELLO...the plastic bag...put it in the bag PLEASE!!!), and then proceeds to tell me about how they've got M&M's for sale, picks up a few bags and asks me if I want them. Allright lady, I don't even KNOW if I'm pregnant...but still...don't discriminate...a pregnant woman and M&M's don't HAVE to go together. I said "no thanks, just these three items." She fidgets around with the chap stick for awhile before finally being able to ring them up, which of course I'm instantly regretting adding to my purchase.
After everything is rung up and I swipe my card, she hands me the receipt and my three items. No bag. The look on my face must've said it all because she then asked "OH, do you want a bag for those items!?" Umm...yes, I really don't want the entire Wal-Greens parking lot to know that I'm going home to pee on a stick.
I have no clue why I don't want them to know, but I don't. And I cried watching HGTV this week, so don't mess with my emotions Wal greens lady. Just put it in the bag.
When Chris got home from work, I peed on the stick. We both waited the two minutes and then went into the bathroom together. I can't even put into words my emotions and feelings. Excited, nervous, scared, thrilled, elated, overwhelmed, and pure happiness, all at once. I think Chris's emotions were excited and scared and cautious.
My Mom had a few miscarriages, so I know that I should be cautious being this excited just yet. I know it's a possibility, but I can't worry or tame my emotions with the 'what if's'. I can be excited and super happy now, and deal with that then if it ever happens. I do have a pretty strong conviction that everything happens for a reason, so hopefully that's not in my deck of cards. If it is, I'll deal with it then.
Chris and I discuss things a lot. My Dad has always been really forthcoming on my Mom's miscarriages (they've been divorced almost my entire life), and how he felt that drove a huge wedge between them because he couldn't relate to what she was feeling. Chris and I have discussed a lot of the "what if's", so I think he's holding back to try to be my rock if something bad happens.
This morning he came into the kitchen while I was making coffee and rubbed my belly and said some super sweet things. I'm really excited...we're really excited....
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